同埋呢篇文大概可以係 CE ENG paper 1B 攞咩 level ?

Topic: Urban lifestyles lead to obesity in children and adults. Do you agree ? Give reasons. Write about 250 words.

Nowadays, many children and adults are suffering from obesity in our community. It is not difficult to find a fat boy or big man on the street or at school. Our government spends millions of money on medical treatment for obese people and their disease such as diabetes every year. What happen to our community? In my opinion, the problem is that urban lifestyles lead to obesity in children and adults. The problem will be discussed in the following paragraphs.

First of all, most people have an incorrect habit that prefer go to bed late, busying with their work or study. But we all know that this habit is not good for our health. We had been taught that go to bed earlier and wake up earlier is more healthier. At late night, people who haven't sleep already may have supper, which is a meal before sleep and bad for our health. These people probably get obese through this bad meal.

Secondly, there are quite a number of fast food shops which serve fried food, oily food and meaty food in our city. People having these types of fast food is the second reason that they get obese. Oily food and meaty food have a large amount of fat and cholesterol. Continuously consuming them can easily get obese, also increases the probability of suffering from serious heart disease. In fact, to avoid getting obese, we may choose a fast food shop which serve healthier food and avoid consuming oily and meaty food.

The third reason that people get obese is lack of exercise. People seldom do exercise more than thirty minutes each day. In fact, no matter how busy you are, doing exercise is important to maintain a healthy body. It is also possible to do more than two hours of exercise on weekend if you are not available on weekdays. Continuously consuming fatty food without enough exercise will definately cause obesity. It is because the amount of uptake is far greater than the amount of consumption through exercise.

To summarise, the reasons that cause obesity of children and adults are sleeping late, consume too much unhealthy food and lack of exercise. Although urban lifestyles produce many obese people in our community, if we learn how to choose something right to do, there is no problem with our health.

先謝

暫時睇到：

What happen to our community?

What have happened to our community?

most people have an incorrect habit that prefer go to bad late, busying with their work or study.

Many people grow restless when they are busy on their work or study, eventually suffer from insomnia and sleep less. / Most people have bad habits, especially when they are busy with their work or study at midnight, and cut down the time on taking rest and sleeping.

...there are quite a number of fast food shops which serve fried food, oily food and meaty food in our city.

There are numerous fast food restaurants in the city which serve deeply fried food, oily food and meaty food. (Food is uncountable)

At late night, people who haven't sleep already may have supper, which is a meal before sleep and bad for our health.

Sleepless people may have supper at late night, which is not healthy at all.

The third reason

Last but not least... (If you use "The third reason", the marker may think that the fourth or fifth points are coming up, if you end using "The third reason" the marker may think you essay is incomplete.)

..., consume too much unhealthy food

..., consuming too much unhealthy food

Generally not too bad, but some of the points are mentioned again and again, you need to consider adding more points to support your idea. More I doubt you have written 250 words or not.

Hope these would help

整 體 上 內 容 表 達 都 可 以 ， 但 係 部 份 句 式 有 問 題 ， 例 如 ：

Nowadays, many children and adults are suffering from obesity in our community.

in our community 不 應 該 放 最 後 ， 否 則 會 被 理 解 成 suffering from "obesity in our community"

同 樣 地

Our government spends millions of money on medical treatment for obese people and their disease such as diabetes every year.

首 先 millions of money 是 不 正 確 的 ， 應 該 用 millions of dollars 或 是 millions

第 二 ， every year 應 該 放 在 on medical treatment 前 面 ：

Our government spends millions every year for treating obesity-related diseases such as diabetes.

另 外 ， 主 題 句 響 第 二 段 比 較 唔 明 顯 ， 可 以 考 慮 改 善 ； 且 文 章 對 於 "in our community" 幾 乎 無 觸 及 過 ； 而 詞 彙 都 比 較 少 ( obese 等 字 出 現 得 太 多 次 )

( 我 PM 左 一 份 小 弟 嘅 建 議 比 你 作 參 考 ）

NeoMan-Centro-APM1 :Generally not too bad, but some of the points are mentioned again and again, you need to consider adding more points to support your idea. More I doubt you have written 250 words or not.

我用 MICROSOFT WORD 計過有三百幾字.

不過點都好多謝哂樓上兩位既建議同improvement

intro果度就咁
we will discuss the problem in the following
已經可以

第三段尾三句我會咁寫:
it is also appropriate to have a 2-hour work-out in the week-ends if you really can't spare 30 minutes in the weekdays. Taking fatty food constantly without enough exercises will obviously bring you an obese and unhealthy body, as the fat intake is much more then those you burn away through exercises.

JR8753 : First of all, most people have an incorrect habit that prefer go to bad late, busying with their work or study.

Just a typing mistake, is it?

我地學校既老師話如果你第一段用左FIRSTLY,FIRST OF ALL個D
其他段盲唔好跟住用SECOND個D
最好係用FURTHER MORE,IN ADDITION個D
因為如果只係用FIRSTLY,SECONDLY,THIRDLY
會令個改PAPER果個人感到幾悶
因而分數較低

First of all, I want to understand what type of writing does it refers to. It can be a discussive writing or an arguementative writing and the writing style is very different. Anyway, let me treat this is as a discussive writing first.

I think generally speaking, the layout of the passage is fine which has a clear structure.
However, as the members mentioned above,
1. The topic sentence of the second paragraph is unclear. The mainpoint is "People always eat fast food for meal", hence, this should be idea of the first sentence of the second paragraph.

2. Some grammatical mistakes, I do not want to talk again as others have mentioned some which are obvious.

3. There are some expression problems such as "most people have an incorrect habit that prefer go to bad late, busying with their work or study". It seems the sentence is translated from Chinese directly. My suggestion on this will be:
"Some people have a bad habit of going to bad late because of busy work or study..."

4. Sentence is a bit clumcy, try to organize them in a more concise way.

5. Try to consider the cause wider but not just focus on personal habit.

Finally, since I do not know the grading system of new syllabus, I would like to give you a reference grade by using the old grading system.

A(Accuracy): 6
C(Content): 6
S(Style of writing): 2.5

So, 6+6+2.5 is 14.5, while the total score is 10+10+5=25

I think you will get a D grade in the old syllabus. Since I heard that the new system will have a better grading, I think you can marginally get "Grade 4" in your exam.

That is only just my opinion. I hope you can do well in your real exam, good luck!!

*~ Greenones ~* :

JR8753 : First of all, most people have an incorrect habit that prefer go to bad late, busying with their work or study.

Just a typing mistake, is it?

已修正, 謝謝提醒.